Excerpts from Marcus Aurelius' diary

 

by Ilaria Dotti

 

NOTE: This is set in the 'Love And Duty' universe.

 

Roma, June, 146AD.

 

Today I met one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. No, what I am saying? She is the most beautiful one. Long brown-black hair, brown eyes, a face with such perfect features to rival Venus'. We met during a dinner in Senator Albinus' domus. She is the daughter of one of Albinus' cousins, and she is here in Rome along with her father while he attends the family business.

Just after I arrived, alone because my wife Faustina is spending the summer in Tuscania, I saw her standing all alone near the perystilium. An irresistible force pulled me near her and after a brief introduction we began to talk. Livia is her name. She is from the provinces, but she is very educated, with a brilliant mind. She told me she will stay in Rome for some more months, and I can only hope to see her again.... She is so refreshing and different from the patrician ladies I've met all my life.

 

Roma, June 146.

 

This afternoon I saw Livia again, and once more I was captured by her spirit, by her passionate soul, by her ability to make me relax. When I am near her I feel as though many of the responsibilities I always carry on my shoulders disappear.... It is good to be near someone who doesn't have expectations about me and with whom I can simply be myself. Don't misunderstand me; I love Rome, and I am glad and honored to do all that is necessary for Her. But sometimes it is nice to forget, even for a brief moment, I am the heir to the throne and to return to being a simple young man, a simple Marcus, who wants to smile and laugh. And I can do it only when I am with Livia. She does not expect me to always behave as a politician, and she enjoy teasing me about my seriousness. I love my time with her, but my visits are always too short... I must find a way to spend more time with her...

 

Roma, June 146

 

I am in love. For the first time in my life, I am in love.

But not with my wife.

My marriage with Faustina had been arranged by her father Emperor Antoninus Pius, as part of the plan which one day will bring me to the throne as his successor. I like Faustina; we are good together, but I don't love her with the passion I feel for Livia.

We spend hours every day talking to each other. His father was surprised when I told him I was interested in teaching philosophy to his daughter, but the good man does not imagine my true reasons. Of course we are never completely alone -- her lady in waiting is always with us -- but the old woman can not understand the looks we exchange in silence, or how a particular word, used at the right time, can tell more than ten sentences about the feelings we are harboring in our chests. Livia loves me. And I love her. But I am torn; I don't know what to do. I want to cover Livia with kisses, I want to teach her the joys of being a woman, I want to press her to my body and tell her about my love, but I can't. I am married, and, even if to some men the word does not mean a lot, for me it means I am not free to give Livia the life she deserves.

 

Roma, July, 146.

 

Livia's father died yesterday. He broke his neck falling from his horse. I wanted to rush to Albinus' domus and console my beloved but social mores stopped me. I will see her tomorrow, at her father's funeral.

Oh my love, how I long to be near you! However, our minds are so attuned to each other's that maybe you will able to feel my thoughts... Be strong, my Livia, and know I am near you in spirit if not in body.

 

Roma, July 146

 

Today I committed one of the most shameful actions of my life. I've taken advantage of a grief stricken girl, and I dishonored her.

I made love to Livia.

I did not plan it when I joined her in her room after her father's funeral... I just wanted to be near her, to help her while she suffered. My idea was to distract her with some reading, but Livia was of a different opinion. As soon as I stepped inside, she threw herself in my arms and begged me to hold her tightly. I was more than happy to do so, and we stayed in each other arms for what seemed an eternity. I murmured comforting words in her ear and caressed her back. For many long moments it was all very innocent, then it suddenly changed. It was Livia who began it, by lightly kissing my neck and pressing herself more tightly against me. I was stunned, but my body reacted instinctively. My caresses on her back became more intimate as I began to return her kisses. The fire between us caught quickly, and before I knew it we were on her bed, naked and full of need.

It was wonderful. It was glorious. It was unique. I never felt something like that before, and I am afraid I will never feel it again.

Our encounter cannot have a sequel. I won't make a mistress out of Livia. She deserves much more than that, so much more. We must not see each other again; I cannot risk to be near her again -- I am afraid my control, till today so strong, will fail in her presence. But how it will be difficult, both for me and for her!

 

Roma, August 146.

 

Livia is pregnant.

She is carrying my child.

I don't know whether to rejoice or be ashamed once more of what happened almost two months ago. I saw Livia today, and I found her radiant with joy. She is happy to bear my baby because it will be a reminder of our brief afternoon of love. She also said she does not care about the gossipers' tongues, if not for the reason she is afraid they might damage MY reputation... Oh my love, I don't care about me; it is you who will risk being branded as a whore! I must find a way to repair my mistake -- no I can't call it a mistake because I think now it was written in the stars that we had to love each other if only once -- by finding her a suitable and gentle husband, someone who will care for her and our baby.

I have already spoken to Livia about it, and she told me she will accept my decision... Her eyes were full of tears when she said that, but she was deadly serious.

 

Roma, September 146.

 

It is done. Livia is married. Her new husband is my former Greek teacher, Gaius Decimus Meridas. He is much older than Livia, but she likes him... I don't think they will live as husband and wife -- they seem to get along more as friends -- but who knows, with time feelings might change. I just want them to be happy. Gaius knows about the baby, and he told me he will recognize it as his child when the time come. I trust him with all my being; he was my confidant and my ally when I was a boy and my father was too severe with me. I know he will take care of Livia and our child as best as he can. And I told him to alert me if they should ever need money, help or whatever else. They will soon leave Rome for Mantua where they will wait for the baby to be born. It will be hard to see Livia go away, but sooner or later it had to happen and it is better now than then. Faustina will return shortly from the country, and I must spend time with her.

 

Mantua, April 147.

 

My son is born.

It happened on April 7, just while I was preparing an inspection of the military camp near Mantua, and I could not resist the temptation to see him and his mother.

Livia brought my son to me proudly, her eyes full of tears of joy. I looked at his peaceful tiny face, and I saw how his features are a perfect blend of Livia's and mine. His hair is dark brown/black and his eyes are blue-green. He is sound and very lively. As I was holding him in my arms I fought the impulse to raise him to the sky and claim him as my son.... How badly I wish I could have named him Marcus after myself! But I could not. Livia and I know some people - my adoptive father, Caesar Antoninus Pius, among them - have noticed the special closeness between us, and we can't risk for them to even suspect the boy is mine. So we have decided to name him Maximus, after Livia's late father. It is a grand name, and I am sure he will bear it well.

 

Roma, June 147.

 

A year is passed since the first day I saw Livia, and now she is lost for me forever.

Two weeks ago I was in Ianua, watching her ship depart and take her away from me. She, little Maximus and my old friend Gaius had left Italia to return to her estates in Hispania. My son is growing up fast and strong, and the sunny Spanish climate will do him a lot of good. I don't know if I will ever see him again, but Livia and Gaius promised me to keep me informed about my Maximus, and I know they will do so. I feel empty and very sad... Soon my wife will give me another child, but even if I know I will love him or her with all my heart, I can't help to feel that Maximus will be always special for me.... Don't ask me why - you don't wonder why the spring always follows the winter or why the sun rises everyday -  I simply know it.

 

*****

 

Aquae Sextiae, March 164.

 

Today I got one of the biggest surprises of my life. I met my son again.

No, no, I am not speaking about Commodus... I am referring to Maximus.

We practically collided against each other in the Preatorium of the military camp near Aquae Sextiae. I was not minding my steps, lost in thought, when a legionary rushed out of a tent, probably to carry on some order. Our chests collided painfully, and we grabbed each other's arms to avoid falling down in the mud. When the young man recognized me, he dropped on his knee and lowered his head, begging for my pardon. I told him to rise. He assumed an at-attention position in front of me, his head kept very high, and his gaze fixed just above my head. I smiled, and told him to relax. The boy did so, and for the first time our eyes met. And I knew who he was. A little glance was sufficient. I saw myself and Livia in his handsome, strong young features. I think I might have paled because the boy reached out an arm to steady me, while asking me if I was feeling well. I was barely able to nod and then motioned him to carry on with his job. He bowed deeply to me and then walked away, his steps decisive, with powerful strides. Just before he disappeared from my view, I stopped a centurion and asked him the young soldier's name: my heart was sure he was my son but my mind needed the final confirmation. 'Maximus Decimus Meridas' was the centurion's reply... I suppose a great silly smile appeared on my face because I caught the other man looking at me curiously.

I returned to my tent and went through Livia's letters -- which I always carry with me, guarded by my faithful Aulus, as I can't risk for someone to find them -- searching for any reference about Maximus being stationed in Gallia Narbonensis. I knew my boy had joined the legions at age fourteen, but I did not know where. The letters form a big packet and in them there is the story of the life of my first born son. I cherish them more than all my prized volumes of philosophy. I read them all again, smiling once more while reading some of Maximus' adventures as a child. That sobered me because, if it is true, I lost the possibility to know Maximus because of the circumstances of his birth, it is also true I am loosing the opportunity to know my two other children, Lucilla and Commodus, and in their case I don't have such a good excuse. Or do I?  Ruling an empire, even with the help of my adoptive brother Lucius Verus, is an all consuming task and something must pay for all my privileges... I just hope my children will not have to pay too much.

 

Aquae Sextiae, May 164.

 

Tomorrow I will leave the camp and return to Rome. I hoped to bring Maximus into the Capitol with me -- I wanted to offer him a place in the Praetorian guard -- so I could have him near me always, but in the end I decided against it.

My son has all the markings of a great soldier and a great man, and I don't doubt he will have a wonderful career in the army. He is a natural born leader, and I feel that one day he will play an important role both in history and destiny. He loves his job, and his superiors told me he is always the best in everything he does.... conquering young girls included! I am so proud of him... much more so because I know he is taking his place in the world without any push due to family's connections or political allies but only because of his own qualities.

I will miss Maximus.

During these two months I had him appointed as my guide along the camp, the city and the nearby country, and we had spent a lot of time together. I came to know and love his quiet sense of humor, his quick intelligence and his great morality. Sometimes he seems much older than his seventeen years... he is so wise... but when he smiles he looks like a little boy.

Now I must prepare for my journey, but I hope Maximus and I will meet again soon.

 

*****

 

Massalia, July 166.

 

I am spending the most beautiful summer of my entire life. The Empire is peaceful and this is actually the first year since the beginning of my reign that all the legions are not fighting against someone. My brother Lucius Verus is in the Middle East negotiating a long peace with the Parti while I am enjoying some rest in my villa on the Mediterranean sea. All my children are here with me, Maximus included. He came here two weeks ago, serving as aide for his general, my old good friend Claudius, who traveled from Lungudum to visit me, and remained here after his commander returned to his camp. He is serving here as my personal secretary and scribe while he is recuperating from a sword wound to his left calf.

When I saw Maximus coming to me limping, I felt the blood drain from my face for the worry, and I am grateful my tan disguised my condition. Claudius told me Maximus was wounded while protecting a fallen officer during an isolated barbarian raid, a feat that earned him a promotion to centurion at only 19 years. Maximus has matured into a very handsome young man: tall, broad shouldered, strong in body and mind. I am feeling very proud of him because he is keeping faith to all the promise I saw in his eyes years ago, but I must be careful and not show him too much affection because that could raise questions or strange thoughts among the onlookers.

 

Massalia, July 166.

 

I feel very happy and relaxed. Even the hardest tasks of government seem easy and light so far away from all the scheming and squabbling of Rome and the Senate.

The windows of my study are open, and I can hear Lucilla's and Maximus' voices coming from the arcate. They are playing with the latrunculi, and my daughter is winning... even if I suspect Maximus is letting her win on purpose! Commodus is out hunting with his Preatorian guards. He does not like to play with dice or to read... he said he is 'a man of action'! A man of action! He is only eleven! I would like to smile, but that boy is worrying me. He wants everything, and he wants it at once. He has no temperance nor patience. Faustina keeps saying to me that he will mature with age, but I can't help but be anxious... Commodus is my natural heir, and I wish he would show me he understands that his position as crown prince carries duties along with the privileges.

 

Massalia, August 166.

 

I am devastated. Today I saw my worst fears concerning Commodus come reality. He is not a moral person.

While I was riding in the woods in company of Maximus and my guards, we heard some horrible screams coming from the thickest part of the forest. We spurred our horses and went to investigate. What I saw made my blood freeze in my veins.

It was Commodus. He was whipping without mercy a boy tied to a tree. A savage cruel smile was on my son's lips, and it widened every time the other boy screamed. As soon as my mind grasped the situation, I shouted to Commodus, and he stopped, startled by my voice. I dismounted and asked him what he was doing. And he told me he was playing... Yes, playing. He wanted to know how long the slave would have survived under his torture. He told me with a-matter-of-fact voice as if he did not do anything wrong. I felt so sick I was on the verge of vomiting, but I resisted. I ordered Commodus to return to the villa and to stay in his bedroom until I decided his punishment. He obeyed and after he had disappeared, I went see to the poor slave -- a dark haired boy in his mid-teens with the face scarred by knife slashes. Maximus had already freed him from his ties and was tending his wounds, using his own cloak as temporary bandage.

We took the boy back to the villa and put him in the care of my personal physician. He said the young slave will survive and for that I am grateful.

Now I am here trying to decide what to do with Commodus. I am adverse to physical punishment for my children but I must find away to make Commodus understand he could not behave in such a way.

 

Massalia, August 166.

 

Commodus is returned in Italia, claiming he wanted to spend time with his mother in Tuscania, and I am more than happy to see him go. I left detailed instructions to his teachers and tutors about his education, and I hope they will follow them closely. I also wrote to Faustina to stop spoiling him, but I don't know if she will listen to me. The boy needs to learn discipline, temperance, wisdom and fortitude, and he need to learn them soon. If he wants to became the next Emperor he need to demonstrate some good qualities before long, because I have no intention of leaving the Empire to a man without principles.

 

Massalia, September 166.

 

A summer that started as beautiful as a dream has transformed in a nightmare, and all because of my children.

First was Commodus, and now it is Maximus and Lucilla.

My Gods, today I caught them kissing!!! It was the biggest shock of my life.

I have seen how well they've got along in these past months, but I did not expect a thing like this.

Of course, I should have seen it coming: they are both handsome, intelligent young people with many interests in common, but I've always seen them as my children, and I did not stop to consider how they would have seen each other. They can't possibly know they are half-siblings, and in their eyes they are only indulging in a youthful flirting, something which will never lead to anything more since Lucilla is engaged to Lucius Verus, but for me..... for me... I shiver at the thought of what might happen! Maximus is an honorable man, but he is still a man (and I can't begrudge that to him, considering what happened with his mother), and Lucilla can be very persuasive when she puts her heart in it.

I must separate them at once.

 

Massalia, September 166.

 

It is done. Lucilla and Maximus 'broke up', to my great relief. But it was not easy. I had to hint heavily to Maximus that I saw them, and that such behavior won't be tolerated again. It was hard for me to pretend I did not favor him and that he had upset me, but I had no choice.

I think Lucilla listened to our discussion because she threw me angry looks... As if she did not know this relationship could never have led anywhere.

 

Massalia, September 166.

 

Maximus left today to join the Felix Legion in the camp near Lungudum.

Luckily, before he went away I was able to repair to my harsh words of days ago, praising his skills both as a soldier and a secretary. I wished him a good journey and presented him a new servant as a gift.  He is the boy we saved from Commodus' tortures. His name is Cicero, and he is already very loyal to Maximus..... My boy has the gift to conquer the love and the dedication of the people who surround him. I just hope one day he will conquer the heart of a good girl and find with her the happiness he deserves.

 

*****

 

Roma, February 172.

 

After long months of silence, today I received a new letter from Livia. It contained the wonderful news that Maximus has married. His new wife is the daughter of a landowner in Gallia, and the two youngsters met near Lungudum. Livia wrote that she had yet to meet the girl, but that she knows Maximus loves her deeply and that he is very happy. I too am happy. Somebody, knowing the real relationship between me and Maximus, might think I wanted to have a word on his choice of bride, but that is not true. I gave up all rights to dictate Maximus' life when I could not recognize him as my son. His life is his own, and he can do as he pleases. Gaius died more than two years ago, and since then Maximus has been the paterfamilias of his house. But I am not worried; I am certain Maximus chose the right woman..... However I am curious about her... and I want to see my son again; almost six years passed since the last time we stayed together. Maybe it is time for a visit to my old friend Claudius...

 

Lungudum, September 172.

 

After a long journey we - Lucilla, Senator Clarus, Fulvia, and myself -- had finally arrived in Gallia, and I could not have hoped for a better reception... Maximus is here as ad interim commander of the camp! The joy of seeing my son again more than made up for the disappointment of not finding Claudius in the camp.... I have so many matters to discuss with him.

Anyway, tomorrow evening I will finally meet Maximus' wife and his new family. It was Lucilla's idea to invite them for dinner, even if I suspect she was only teasing Maximus. I know my daughter still harbors warm feelings for Maximus, and I must keep my eyes open to avoid dangerous situations.

 

Lungudum, September 172.

 

What a wonderful evening! I finally met Maximus' family, and I am impressed by it. Paolina, his young bride, is a lovely girl, educated, intelligent and full of wit. Her father, Paolinus, is a nice old man, quite expert in philosophy matters. There was also another comely girl, Paolina's cousin, Aelia, who enchanted Senator Clarus and his son.

Father and daughter were both quite in awe of me, but in little time I put them at ease, and we spent the meal discussing history and the precepts of the Stoics. Paolina is very beautiful... She reminds me of Livia, with her dark eyes and hair and her olive skin. They are also similar in their temper, and I have no doubt that then the time comes, they will get along well. Maximus has made me proud in his choice of bride, as he has in everything he has done in his life, even if I sometimes wonder if I have the right to feel that way since I had no part in his education and upbringing. And this thought always evokes the horrible idea that he has become the fine man he is BECAUSE I was not part of his life. But stop; I must push this ideas away and concentrate on other matters. Lucilla, for example. I must keep her under a tight rein when Maximus is near. After dinner I found them both in her bedchamber. From their expression, it is difficult to know what happened and why they were there. Maximus seemed angry while Lucilla - who was wearing a very revealing dress not at all appropriate to entertain a man who is not her husband - looked annoyed.

She told me Maximus was looking for his wife.... I am not sure it was the truth, but it is certain I must be very vigilant in the next days.

 

Lungudum, September 172.

 

I am furious. This emotion so foreign to me -- I think I never felt it before today -- has been unleashed by the shameful behavior of my daughter and Fulvia Alba against Paolina and Aelia.

After some hours spent in the open air admiring Maximus and his cavalry regiment maneuvers, I received the message that General Claudius had finally returned from Germania. I wanted to speak with him immediately about the terms of the truce he is negotiating with the barbarians, and so I sent the four girls to Lucilla's rooms for a brief nap.

I went to greet Claudius, but seeing that my old friend was covered with mud, I decided to postpone our meeting an hour, and I returned to my quarters. While I was passing in front of Lucilla's tent I heard voices speaking of cakes, and I decided to stop and listen some more. In few minutes, what I thought to be an innocent conversation transformed in a disgusting baiting by Lucilla and Fulvia against Paolina and Aelia. It culminated with my daughter taunting Paolina by hinting she intimately knew Maximus -- a thing I am certain is not true, for Gods' sake. This caused my son's wife's fiery reaction, and she attacked Lucilla. It was then I intervened. I sent Fulvia away, directed Paolina to her husband' arms, gently dismissed Aelia and confined Lucilla in her tent until further notice. I am very disappointed with her; I thought she was past those childish behaviors, but I see now I was mistaken. I think I will let her steam in her quarters for at least two days. The daughter of an emperor and the wife of another can't behave in this way.

ADDENDUM: Tragedy stuck Maximus' family. Paolinus, who seemed so fine only this afternoon suddenly died this evening. I am really sorry for him -- he was nice, educated and wise man -- and for Paolina, Aelia and Maximus. The happiness of this morning is completely disappeared, blown away by the wind of life and death.

 

Lungudum, September, 172.

 

They say the sun always returns after the storm, and I think it is true. Today my old friend Claudius found his long time lost granddaughter! And my joy is double because the girl in question is Aelia, Paolina's cousin, who I admire very much for her wonderful manners and disposition. She and Senator Clarus' younger son are deeply in love and soon they will able to crown the dream that until this morning seemed unreachable, because the girl was without an appropriate dowry. Now all this belongs to the past, and I listened as Claudius adopted Aelia, making her his daughter. While the ritual was performed, I threw looks in Maximus' direction -- he was assisting along with Paolina -- and felt the strong desire to be in Claudius' place. I would like very much to adopt Maximus, but I can't do it, not without revealing my true connection with him. What excuse could I have to adopt him? I already have an heir and hopefully soon, Lucilla will give me another.

 

Lungudum, November 172.

 

The time of my departure is arriving, but I will return to Rome with my heart full of joy. Today -- during the banquet to celebrate Quintus' and Aelia's marriage -- Maximus announced to the hall that he and his wife are going to have a baby! Truth to tell, I already suspected it for quite some time. Paolina has been very sick in the past two months, and the symptoms reminded me of when Faustina was bearing Lucilla. However, I was not totally sure until my boy and his lovely bride told me tonight. They looked so happy and excited, and Paolina's radiant face remembered me Livia's, on that fateful day of so many years ago when she told me she expecting my son. I just hope Maximus' son will make him as proud as he had made me.

 

Lungudum, December 172.

 

Tomorrow I will leave for Rome. This morning I had my final discussion with Claudius concerning our strategy against the barbarians. We decided that it will be better to organize our offensive in Germania by appointing a sort of supreme commander, a general who will have the final word and the control of all the armies of the north. This should increase the coordination in matter of defense or attack and long-term strategy. I wanted to offer the position to Claudius, but he refused. He told me he is too old for the job and that he even planned to retire at the end of next summer campaign. The news shocked me, but I can understand his desire to spend his last years near his new-found family. He has done so much for Rome, I could not force him anyway. However, his retirement will mean the appointment of a new general for the Felix Legions, so our discussion turned on that matter. We examined all the possible candidates, evaluating their qualities and faults and in the end the choice fell on Maximus. Claudius feels that his brilliant tactical mind, his bravery, his sense of duty and respect for the enemy potential are essential qualities, and that he will be the right man. However, Maximus is young and still a bit inexpert in commanding matters -- he was promoted to legate only few months ago -- so Claudius agreed to remain as general a year more and to teach Maximus what he needs to know. Of course, we will keep this news for ourselves and life will go on in the camp as usual. Now I must call Aulus and put away this diary: Maximus is coming to give his farewell and wish me a good journey. I think I can convince him to play dice with me as we did the day of the trip near the lake... This way I can spend some more time with him.

 

*****

 

Roma, July 173.

 

I received another letter from Livia. The news I was anxiously waiting for has finally arrived: Maximus' and Paolina's child is born! He is a boy, and they named him Marcus. Marcus! After myself! The name I wished Maximus to bear now belongs to my first grandchild! But even better is to know that Maximus loves me so much that he would name his son after me.... Me. Not himself, not Gaius, not Paolinus... Me. It would be a perfect day if Livia had not also written that Marcus' birth was a very difficult one, and that Paolina reported such damages she will not be able to bear children again. I am sad for them, but they have a son to love and they still had each other... I am sure they will understand that and go on with their lives. Livia is planning to join them in Gallia in the next few months because she could not wait anymore to see her little grandson... Oh, how I would love to have the same freedom to go and come as I please! But I can't. With Lucius Verus' death, the weight of all the Empire is on my shoulders and my presence is needed in Rome...  Rome which is becoming more corrupt with every day that passes.

Also, Lucilla is expecting a baby, and Commodus keeps on giving me one disappointment after another.

Sometimes I feel so tired; I would like to retire in some remote corner of the world and final rest but, once more, I can't do it. The good of Rome is my reason for living, and I know I will die doing my duty for Her, but how I wish to have someone near to me to help me with my numerous tasks...  Someone like Maximus...

 

 

Roma, November 173.

 

Claudius had finally retired, and now Maximus is the General of the Felix Legions. It happened sooner than scheduled because my old friend broke is leg falling from his horse, but he assures me Maximus is more than ready for his new position. As for Claudius, he will arrive here in Rome very soon, and I look forward to spending time with him... He and Senator Gracchus are my most trusted friends and some of the few people I can truly relax with.

 

*****

 

Roma, March 176

 

What everybody thought impossible has happened! The Marcomanni passed the Alps and raided the Italian peninsula, advancing as far as the city of Aquileia which was put under seige. Fortunately, just before the city walls were about to collapse, the Felix Cavalry Regiment arrived and slaughtered the barbarians. Maximus led the charge. I was so relieved when told of it and then shocked when informed the commander of the Armies of the North had not wanted to let Maximus come to our aid because he did not believe the news that Maximus' scouts had delivered about the barbarians' attack. It turned out that fool had become too arrogant, too overbearing, too sure of his own ability as tactician that he no longer listens to his generals' advice. That fool let the Marcomanni slip just under his nose! He had lost my trust and my esteem, and he was removed from his position. Maximus has taken his place as Commander of the Armies of the North.... He is the only man I feel I can entrust with such an important but difficult job.

 

 

Roma, September 176

 

A part of me died today.

A letter by Maximus arrived from Germania and, among relating military matters, it informed me Livia is dead. My son did not write a detailed explanation about what happened.... He wrote about the event, asking for a brief leave to take her body back in Hispania, and he could not possibly know the dagger he pushed into my heart.

Livia is gone. Forever.

I feel so old.... so tired.... so sad. And I can't even mourn as I would wish. Lucilla is eyeing me strangely... She is so smart, so acute. She is matured a lot from the silly girl who taunted Maximus' wife 5 years ago back in Gallia. Lucius' birth has changed her. She is strong, so very strong, and expert in political and social matters. Sometimes I find myself wishing she had been born a man; what a great Caesar she could have become! Commodus is a desperate case. I've tried to understand him, to trust him with increasingly important tasks, but I've come to realize I can't leave the Empire in his hands after my death. Corruption is crippling Rome and the Empire, but Commodus can't stop it because he too is corrupted, and in the worst possible way. In his soul. I often wonder if I could have changed him, saved him from the black abysses his mind and soul are, but I am not able to find an answer. I only feel guilt. And now, the only person to whom I could confess all my pains and my doubts is gone....

Ad in perpetuum ave atque vale, my beloved Livia. We will see each other again in Elysium.

Goodbye my love.

Goodbye.

 

*****

 

Roma, March 179

 

I have decided to join Maximus at his Headquarters in Vindobona. I feel my life is beginning to slip between my fingers, and I wish to spend what remains of my time near my son. Moreover, I must prepare the ground for what I want to ask of him... I want him to succeed me on the throne of the Empire. But convincing him it is the right thing to do won't be easy. Maximus has no ambition, no personal desire for power. And I know he only wants to settle down in Hispania with his wife and son. He is remaining in the army because he feels he can't leave it without completing his job and putting an end to the wars in Germania. No, it won't be easy at all to convince him, but I don't want to force him to accept -- oh, what an irony, a man forced to accept a position a thousand of his peers would kill to have!! I think I will ask my old friend Claudius advice about how approach the subject with Maximus. Claudius knows him well, and maybe he will be able to offer some useful tips.

 

 

*****

 

Vindobona, December 179.

 

Eleven years. Eleven long years of war and still the barbarians keep on fighting us. This winter is very cold and many of them will die because their villages were destroyed but still, next spring, they will return, numerous and treacherous as usual.

Life in the camp is very quiet now. Maximus keeps his men fit and happy by providing them with jobs to do and time to rest and enjoy themselves. Leaves are routinely granted, and the soldiers are able to spend time with their families. But this is not valid for Maximus. His home and his family are too far away from Vindobona, and he does not have the time to go and return within the winter months.  My son misses his wife and son very badly... I see the longing in his eyes every time he speaks about them; I hear the unspoken desire to return to them as soon as possible. We spend a lot of time together, especially now that the evenings are so long. We talk about every possible topic, and we usually agree about everything. I am using these conversations to teach Maximus what he will need to know to be my successor on the throne. I am doing it very subtly, because I don't want to scare him nor worry him too much now he that he has so many things in his mind. I have also reached the conclusion Rome needs to return a republic again. The Senate, even if it is not truly representative of the Roman populace, will be a step away from the excesses and chaos that could result from an absolute rule in the hands of the wrong person. Maximus will serve as Protector of Rome during the transition, because I know my senators too well: if no man holds the power, everybody will reach for it and a civil war is the last thing I wish for Rome. Maximus could be a great Caesar, but for him such position would be a sentence, not an honor. And I don't want to condemn my son to unhappiness. I trust Lucilla to help him, as Gracchus and Gaius will do.

But now let's stop; Aulus is here telling me Maximus has arrived, and he is greeting the Praetorians outside my tent... An interesting evening is about to begin.

 

 

*****

 

Vindobona, August 180.

 

Last night I coughed up blood. For quite sometime my health has gradually been declining, but now I really know my time in this life is wearing out. I am afraid I will not survive the winter. I must move soon and make public my decision about the future of Rome. I will send messengers in the Urbe to summon here two representatives of the Senate, along with Lucilla and Commodus. I will declare Maximus my successor in front of his troops, so nobody will try to oppose him. I must write the letters at once, and I must tell Maximus my plans for him. I can no longer wait.

 

Vindobona, September 180.

 

The scouts reported the news the barbarian tribes are banding together a few miles away from this camp. Maximus believes we are on the verge of a decisive battle. The one which will put an end to this interminable war. I am looking forward to it with a mixture of fear and relief. I wish it would already be over.

 

Vindobona, October 180.

 

We won.

Or better, Maximus and his men won the battle. The Germans have been conquered once for all. But the price of victory has been very high: many soldiers of Rome won't return to their homes and families. I honor them, and I pray to the gods to receive them in Elysium. However, I could not contain the joy and the relief I felt when I heard Maximus' voice shout 'Roma Victor', and I saw him raise his sword to the sky... I know it is selfish, but I am so happy my son is alive and well.

I approached him on the battlefield: I found him tired, weary, bloodied. I asked him how I could reward him. It was a rhetorical question; I already knew his answer. He wants to go home. Oh, how I would love to grant him his wish! But I can't, not now. Tomorrow I will tell him about my decision concerning his future. Commodus, Lucilla and the senators are just arrived, and I have no more excuse to postpone the discussion. The time to act is arrived.

 

Vindobona, October 180.

 

I spoke to Maximus this morning and I told him about my desire for him to become the Protector of Rome after my death... As I predicted, he does not want this position. 'With all my heart, no.' Those were his words when I asked him if he would accept the honor I was offering him. I approached him and framed his head with my hands, insisting he is the only man who could take the job. I saw his eyes moisten... He was afraid. Afraid he won't be able to return to his family for some more time. Afraid he will be trapped in a place where he does not want to go. I feel a little guilty about pushing him -- I even used a selfish tactic to introduce the subject, making Maximus speak about his son and his home and then delivering my bowl -- but I am doing it because I have no choice. IT MUST BE MAXIMUS. He asked me about Commodus, and I replied that he is not a moral man, as we both know since that fateful day of so many years ago. Then my heart broke, and I told Maximus he is the son I should have had. It is the nearest-to-truth declaration I ever made about my love for him. I saw him look at me with such affection... He was moved by my words, I could see it. He asked me for some time to think and I agreed. By tomorrow he will let me know his decision.

Truth to tell, I already know what he will say. He will say yes. I know it. Rome is his destiny, it has always been. I knew it from the first time I looked in his new-born eyes. As soon as he gives me his confirmation, I will adopt him in front of the senators and the troops, and I will declare him my successor. I am looking forward to the day I will gain back the right to call Maximus my son.... my son.

My son. Commodus. I must tell him about my decision. I will do it first privately, so he is prepared when I announce it in front of the senators and the army. I called Lucilla here to help him to confront with dignity what I am sure he will consider a major disappointment, the loss of what the considers his birthright.

I hope I will be able to make him understand that it pains me to tell him about my decision and that I love him. I always had, despite all his faults and his vices, because I know they are the proof of my failure as father. I don't know exactly where I was wrong with Commodus... Maybe I demanded too much from him.... maybe I did not pretend enough. I really don't know what went wrong. But I know Rome has always been my first concern, and so I will do my duty for Her, as Commodus will do the same. I am certain of it.

 

**********************************************************************************

 

Maximus Decimus Meridas, Protector of Rome, put away the last sheet of papyrus and brushed away his tears.  "Oh, Father, why, of all the things, did you have to be wrong about this one?" he whispered in the empty room.

Father. Marcus Aurelius has been really his father. The thought did not sound foreign or displeasing to his mind. After the initial shock, he had accepted the fact easily, even if it had increased his guilt for not have been able to save him from Commodus. Time and time again he had berated himself for not saying 'yes' at once then Marcus Aurelius had asked him to become his successor. Maybe he could have saved him... No. Probably the result would have been the same. As the diary told, the late Caesar wanted to speak with Commodus alone, to lighten the blow, and so maybe history would have run in the same way.

"I will never know." Maximus whispered again, then he thought about his father Gaius Decimus Meridas. Gaius had loved him, educating him with gentleness and firmess mingled together. He had taught to the young boy by the strength of his examples and conviction, never raising a hand to him. Maximus had wonderful memories about him, and now he loved him even more, for the love the old man had always show to him, a love which seemed even greater now that he knew he was not his real father. "I will hold you both dear in my heart all my life," Maximus thought, "And I will teach Marcus all the things I learnt from you. Your wisdom won't be forgotten, Fathers. I promise you so."

Maximus then got up from his chair and walked to the door of his study, opening it and poking his head outside. His eyes met the ones of an old man, and, smiling, he invited him to enter the room. The man, whose very simple clothes marked him as a servant, followed him inside, and Maximus closed the door. They stared at each other for several moments, then Maximus said, "I remember you, I saw you many times in Marcus Aurelius' tent."

"Sire, you honor me." The other man bent his head.

Maximus waved with his hand and, sitting on his chair, motioned his guest to do the same. Then he asked, "Please tell me your name and how Marcus Aurelius' diary was in your hands."

The servant, a grey haired man with kind brown eyes, began, "My name is Aulus, and I've been at Marcus Aurelius' service for the past thirty years. I had the diary because it was one of my duties to guard it. My master did not want anybody to read it and, not trusting his meddlesome servants or the palace spies, decided it was safer to leave it among my belongings when he was not using it."

Maximus smiled, "He trusted you a lot."

Aulus nodded proudly, "Yes. My master trusted me because he knew I loved him before anything or anybody else." He paused a little to push away the lump in his throat and went on, "When my master began to feel his health was declining, he called me in his room and gave me his instructions about the future of the diary and the stack of letters he kept with it. He ordered me to keep the diary in my hands and to give it to you and only to you. He made me promise to do so. And so I did."

Maximus nodded, "What would have you done with it if you could not give it to me?"

"I was planning to burn it... but... but... I could not bring my self to do it. Guarding that diary was the only thing which kept me sane under Commodus' reign, and I kept on postponing its destruction. Then, one day, the news arrived that you were still alive, and I began to hope I could do my last duty to my master." Aulus smiled shyly.

"And what about the letters?" Maximus asked, surmising they were the ones his mother wrote to his father.

"They were buried along with my master's body, as it was his wish. The night before the funeral I was able to slip them under his vest."

"Oh." Maximus was barely able to hide his disappointment but then he realized those letters were too private to be read from another person even if it was a son. So he smiled and said, "Tell me, Aulus, how can I reward you for your loyalty?"

"Let me stay at your service, Sire, in whatever station you might find appropriate for me." Aulus spoke in a rush and then bent his head submissively and waited.

Maximus shook his head in wonder. So much loyalty! "I think I will let you be the diary caretaker as you were for Marcus Aurelius. You will help me to preserve it until my son is old enough to read it... What do you think?"

Aulus raised his head, his eyes shining with tears. "Thank you, Sire." He fell down on his knees and grabbing Maximus' hand kissed it reverently.

Maximus shifted uncomfortably on the chair; he was not used to such gestures, especially from people so old. However he knew Aulus needed to do it, and so he stayed silent until it was time to say, "Now rise, Aulus, and come with me, I want to introduce to you my wife and son."

 

With the diary safely locked in a wooden chest, the two men left the study and walked along the marble-covered hallways of the Imperial Palace, Aulus following Maximus some steps behind him. And as he studied his strong back and regal bearing, the old servant slightly smiled. "You must be proud of him, my Lord," he thought. Then his smile widened as, in his mind, appeared the image of a disapproving Marcus Aurelius, "No, my Lord, I did not read the diary, but I know he is your son. He is your image; I am surprised nobody had ever noticed it.... Maybe it is because the people who knew you as a young man are already dead and I am the only one left." The image of Marcus Aurelius nodded in his mind and Aulus did the same. "And don't worry, I will care for him as I cared for you. Rest in peace, my Lord; rest in peace." The image disappeared, and Aulus concentrated on the present as the sound of a woman's voice and a child's laughter reached his ears.

Maximus pushed a door open and Aulus stepped inside after him, eager to meet his Lord's legacy... The future.

 

HISTORICAL AND GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES:

Aquae Sextiae, Lungudum and Massalia are the Latin names of modern France cities Aix-in-Provence, Lion and Marseille.

Mantua and Ianua are the Italia cities Mantova ang Genova (where I live).

A word about the dates:

I decided to date the diary using the modern system based on Christ's birth to make things easier, but, of course, Marcus Aurelius would have never used this kind of dating. Romans calculated the years basing on the foundation of Rome, which historicians set on 753BC. So for Marcus Aurelius the year 146AD, when this story begins, would have been the year 899 ab Urbe condita (at Urbe founded) and so on.